Grow up!

The journey of life has principles we need to abide by. One of the principles is growth.Yes,natural progression. Moving from one level to the next. We all want growth because we know this fundamental truth, that whatever doesn’t grow becomes stagnant and loses relevance. This is true in marriage and also in relationships.

It is the only chance of survival. We cannot afford to be complacent, stagnancy leads to decay . It’s costly to restore decay,that’s why prevention is always better than cure.Now lack of growth brings hopelessness and this causes a lot of pain. This is due to the cracking foundations and loss of interest. The sad thing is stagnancy in relationships causes doubt to the future of the relationship. This limits our commitment to the relationship. No one wants to commit to anything that isn’t going anywhere. 

Growth comes in many forms some comfortable and  others uncomfortable. Life experiences and challenges can force us to grow emotionally. We can attain maturity acquiring wisdom . Advancement of knowledge can inspire us to grow by broadening our perspectives on life issues. We owe it to our spouses to keep growing.

I have heard people and mostly ladies saying their partners need to grow up. This might be true but one thing for sure is the better him will need a better you. So growth shouldn’t be one sided,it must be a mutual pursuit. We need to grow individually to grow together. 

Growth is not taught but its inspired. You need a partner that is able to mirror to you, who you can become. This is a partner that is able to feed your growth by being honest with you. Highlighting areas of development while having the patience to see change happening. 

Now talking about growth in relationships, the love we had for each other at the beginning must be less than the love we have for each other now. We can simply evaluate our growth by drawing strength from the things we have been through as a couple. 

Keep adding shades of love to your relationship. Discover new reasons to love your spouse even more. In my case I keep falling in love with my wife with every role she assumes.It gets deeper all the time. I now love her as my lover , my partner and most importantly my wife. 

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Imperfection is Perfect!

“Young lovers seek perfection. Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together and of seeing beauty in a multiplicity of patches.” How to make an American quilt. 

As human beings we are taught to pursue excellence. We seek to excell in every area of performance, relationships are no different. We are all looking for perfection when relationships are concerned. whatever perfection is.

The above quote seems to make the suggestion that the perception of old and young couples is different. It states that young couples look for perfection while old couples create perfection. 

Could it be that the naivety of young couples has led them to seek for ideals rather than realities? 

Or has the constant disappointments of old couples led them to settle for less?

I love the quote because I truly believe that relationship demands  emotional intelligence. It is key to a happy relationship. 

The question on the mind of every married person should be am I looking for perfection or am I creating perfection? It is important to consider the above mentioned perceptions . This will influence how we view relationships. 

Have you noticed how we change our views about our relationships after an argument. You will hear people saying we are not a perfect couple only because of an argument. Some arguments are just an expression of individualism . It’s not done with any malicious intent but to express one’s opinion. It doesn’t mean your spouse has stopped loving you. 

 Arguments or rather disagreements are a feature in every relationship and its not a measure of imperfection.But it is important to mention that the frequency of arguments can indicate the dominance of one spouse which is bad for  the relationship. 

We must ask ourselves why do we argue? Most importantly how to  handle disagreements because this can taint even the best of relationships.

We need to display a high level of emotional intelligence when handling arguments. If  you gonna argue you might as well learn to fight fairly…It never makes any  sense to hurt your spouse cos you hurting. Take care not to belittle your spouse even in the heat moment. Hurtful words leaving a lasting impression and makes it difficult to trust again. 

A lifetime of happiness is only possible to couples who are willing to take the good with the bad. We were created from love and to be loving. The conclusion is create perfection every step of the way. Our imperfections make out relationship unique and that’s perfect. 

Journey to Forever

Fiction is the lie through which we tell the truth ” Albert Camus

Marriage is a big deal.The decision  to settle down requires deep thoughts.It must not taken lightly. In this article I just want to give a few pointers on what to consider when making this decision. One of my all time favourite movie lines is “love is anything but unsure”. I was taken back by this profound statement from a Tyler Perry movie. It kinda gave me a fresh perspective on relationships. This is truly one of those rare occasions that we draw life lessons from fictitious characters. Any commitment from uncertainty is unstable.

 It goes without saying that finding the right partner to spend the rest of your life with is a daunting task. We all have expectations, ideals and fears.We all want to get it right. The Bible teaches us not to be unequally yoked meaning compatibility is essential in relationships.

The journey has to start with self.Your readiness and willingness to share your life with someone else. You need to consider financial, emotional and Spiritual readiness as you need to withdraw from these areas to sustain your marriage.

It is extremely important to discover yourself before you think of finding a partner. This will help determine the kind of person that is suitable for you. I believe its vital to understand your strengths, weaknesses and areas of development.  

Identify your personal goals,life purpose and your Godly mission.

Find” you” first and you will find a perfect partner for you.

The truth is we subconsciously class ourselves according to beliefs, race and interests. The issue of compatibility determines the life of any relationship. Being compatible with your partner results in joy and fun.This brings a certain level of ease which eliminates strife. Your spouse has to be compatible with who you are and whom you are becoming. 

The wonderful thing is compatibility doesn’t always mean similar interests or personalities,you are not looking to marry yourself. But the strength of any relationship is dependant on its pillars. Compatibility can be defined as  the ability to coexist in harmony. Two individuals with different personalities can be compatible. 

 Incompatibility on the other  hand makes a relationship a hard work which eventually takes its toll on the relationship.Working hard just to be approved or accepted by your partner means that you are not naturally compatible. Just like a fish cannot breathe out of water, you will soon be out of breath. Every relationship is first tested on the compatibility of the partners. 

Compatibility is like finding a missing piece of a puzzle you never knew existed. Understanding this principle will help us not to spend time in relationships that brings us nothing but emotional scars. 

One of the goals of premarital counselling is to ascertain if the couples has envisioned the same things for their life together. 

The relationship pillars are faith and moral values. These pillars influence the lifestyle for couples. Begin with the end in mind. Marriage is meant to last a lifetime. This journey is forever ,learn get it right from the beginning. 

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#journeytoforever

Is He broken or is She empty?

This is probably the most emotional article I have ever written.This is for everyone whether you are divorced ,single , in a relationship or married. It feels more like a letter written to my unborn daughter after her heart was broken.

Its titled  Is He broken or is She empty ? to highlight the amount of baggage that we sometimes bring into relationships. Its important to ask questions about the emotional health of the person you intend to engage in relationship with.

The saddest thing is emotional baggage is not always detected. But it becomes responsible for alot of pain we inflict on one another in relationships.This has resulted in us bearing emotional scars that can take years to heal.

Lots of relationships are suffering as a result of unrealistic expectations due to past pain. Check yourself now!Are you still imprisoned by emotions that should have died with your past? It always seems that women suffer more as they come into a relationship with high hopes as a result of what was promised. I have seen the plight of many women with a broken man. A broken man for the purpose of this article refers to a man with no sense of commitment , emotionally immature, no moral fibre , cheaters  or any form of abusive behavior. He believes he has nothing to loose and nothing to preserve. This is a dangerous person with no discipline  and little self respect. 

An empty woman refers to a woman who has broken down by life circumstances. A woman who has lost her self esteem, self respect, who thinks less of herself. This woman was demeaned by the imperfections of life that left her shattered. She now lives a life of compromise while secretly hoping for more. 

Let me make this point the struggles that a lot of people encounter in relationships are due to their experiences not necessarily their current relationships. Our previous relationships have shaped our emotions. I have met alot of women that were left empty as a result of an encounter with a broken man. This has left them with a huge void that a bunch of flowers cannot simply fill. They feel unworthy of love and happiness,this has caused them to settle for less. A broken man just keeps taking without giving nothing in exchange.    

We are told in marriage that two will come together to become one. But please be careful because if two halves come together they will become one half. A change of your marital status will not change the condition of your heart or mind.A broken man or empty woman have nothing to give. You are only exhausting yourself by expecting something. 

Pursue wholeness not brokenness. You are not responsible to mend a broken man unless he has identified his issues and willing to get help. Be advised that only reconnecting with our maker will make us whole. God restores He did it for me, its just what He does.

Even if you decide to stick around to provide assistance during the process of recovery ,remember this is a journey that the wounded person must take on their own. Don’t waste time trying to help a person that doesn’t acknowledge their problem. Some of the break-ups didn’t just end the relationships alone but took with it a part of us.Our perception of love or relationship has been tainted by our experiences. Take the below steps to cleanse yourself from negative emotions.

Heal properly , let go of past dissapointments. Allow God to fill the void you have. Let Him make you whole again. Once you are whole you will know what love feels like. Yes, fall inlove with yourself again.Appreciate yourself. Know your worth.

 Marriage is a blessing when two whole people come together. You owe it to your spouse to come into your marriage as a whole person.  

The greatest partner of all times

Love is truly an interesting phenomenon. It is both magical and mystical. Yes,its powerful and deeper than we think. But there is a process to love and I have seen. it (lol). Nature has clearly defined roles for men and women. Man have been given the authority to create love and women the ability to react to love.

Conventional steps to relationships acknowledges men as initiators (pursuers) and women as targets. This means that the love that men offer is proactive. When a man loves a woman, he takes a step of faith by declaring his love. Then it becomes the woman’s responsibility to decide if that man is worthy of her love. Her response is vital to the development of love. The offer of love has to be accepted in order for love to flourish.

With that said, time will reveal the genuiness of the proposed love. The two people have to form a formidable partnership that will stand the test of time. Time plays an important role in the process of love.  It is essential to the development of love. But Love is not bound by time. Time as a factor is important for love to grow.

Can we love at first sight? I believe love at first sight is possible but the validation of love still requires time. The validation is putting love to the test or rather evaluating it. Which can sometimes be very difficult in the early stages of the relationship because of emotions. We need to be rational in our evaluation.

Time reveals truth. People have learned the art of disguising. The more time you spend with a person, the more you start seeing their hidden motives even the best of pretenders can never forget to be themselves. When seeds are planted it is time that will reveal their fruits,  this is the same for people.  Who they say they are and what they do must not conflict.

I am inspired by a lot of old couples that have stood the test of time. Its amazing to observe how their love matures with time. These are couples that have raised children and achieved goals together. Its truly remarkable how they were able to stick together through the many pressures of life.

I want to be the greatest partner of all times to my wife. I want her to celebrate me as her husband.This has to be the goal for married people. It is essential to put your spouse ahead of yourself in order to achieve this. And i must say Its beautiful to notice how making your spouse happy makes you even more happier.

Marriage is for a lifetime. We need build strong foundations that will stand the test of time and understand that marriage is not a race against time.

No man is an island,  we need each other. That is one of the reason we have made the decision to learn from older married couples. Relationship mentors have to be carefully selected. Only couples that cherish and celebrate their union will qualify.I want to learn from the best. We can all learn from each other.
 
Older couples can teach young couples how to love through imperfections.

And

Younger couples can remind older couples how to enjoy each other as a couple.

Lets be inspired to be an inspiration.

The Power of 2

The 21st century has given rise to what we call power couples. These are couples that work together elevate themselves. What makes such couples stand out? What kind of relationship does it take to create a bedrock of success?

This article is intended to get couples to focus on their own relationship goals. The power of two is evident. The bible teaches that two is better than one,  that one can put a thousand to flight but two will put ten thousand to flight. But only united couples  with clear goals can achieve this.

Being in a relationship can sometimes be likened to being on a rollercoaster ride. The ups and downs, twists and turns and a whole lot of drama. It is possible for couples to celebrate a wedding but still live separate lives. This can lead to heartaches and frustrations. This is due to the vast differences between men and women. Its like we speak different languages when it comes to relationships. Love is truly the only pillar that can unite us.

The power couples have blended so well and are using their unity to inspire the world. They remain a true reflection of the beauty of love and marriage.

God has to be the centre of marriage for it to be fruitful. He is the only pillar that can cause two hearts to beat as one, two minds to see the same vision. Power couples are adept at maximizing their talents and resources to influence the world. They are driven and empowered to succeed.

They spend time nurturing and developing each other with their mission in mind. They don’t have time for squabbles, infidelity and any other thing that bring dishonor to their marriage.

They are inspired by the ideals of building a legacy together, achieving dreams together and have common goals. Every marriage has an assignment to be fruitful and multiply. This is not only about having children. Run the business together, Be faithful stewards of  the ministries that you have been entrusted with. Give birth to visions that will transform the world and touch lives.

Your spouse is a gift from God. God has blessed you with this gift to edify you. Respect and honor each other. See the best in each other. Maximise your resources and be fruitful.

Keep the boat afloat, throw off the junk!

Imagine if we were all given 100% for all our subjects at the beginning of the year during our time at school and we were told to write exams throughout the year to maintain our grades. I guess this would be a bit difficult because we find hard to deal with loss, it is better and encouraging to work towards attaining something.

I made this example because most relationships start with fireworks and excitement. Then the issue becomes maintaining or keeping the spark alive in the midst of disappointments and challenges.

This is one is titled Keep the boat afloat, throw off the Junk because one the most common things that cause the boat to sink is poor maintenance. The boat is surrounded by water but it has to float above the water to keep moving, if maintenance is not adequate the water will get into the boat and cause it to sink . This is true in relationships as well, we need to get above all our challenges and issues to maintain the excitement and love. This can only be done with proper development of communication tools at the beginning of the relationship. It is important to note that marriage is not a destination for the relationship, a good relationship is what sustains marriage. Think about it…

The beginning stages of all relationships are crucial,  this is what defines the life and the health of marriages. We need to be very careful about what we feed our relationships with. We all come into marriage with different expectations but unless we expresss them they might not be fulfilled.

If you take a fairly healthy growing plant and start feeding it with oil the plant will die.
Toxins are not good for the plant, review the foundations of your own relationships. What was your foundation doubt, untrustworthy, lies, dishonesty, unfaithfulness, selfishness,competition? All is not lost there is still hope ,the fact that you have identified the toxins means you can work on your challenges. As much as the relationship began because you had faith in your spouses love for you, it is the faith that you have in the love you have for your spouse that should inspire you to work through challenges. Agree?

I believe marriage offers you a close look at the impact of your weaknesses on your loved ones. If my weakness is insensitivity, I get to see what my insensitivity does to my spouse and this will give me the much needed courage to work on becoming better person.

No matter what you might think of yourself,  no one is perfect.  We are all work in progress in the Hands of God.

Pay attention to what you are planting in your relationship. Make efforts to speak positive things about your relationship and kind words to your spouse.
Keep out everything that weighs your down. Shut out thoughts that steal your joy. Keep praying for your marriage.
Remember your marriage has a mission to be fruitful. This is what God expects from your marriage. Help each other become the best you can each be. Peace is essential for fruitfullness. The amazing thing is peace is not necessarily the absence of conflict,  it is rather the ability to resolve conflicts as they arise.
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#marriageisbeautiful
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#keeptheboatafloat

Heavenly knot, No Hook-up

My desire to understand my role in marriage ,as well as the role of marriage in society has led me to come up with several definitions.
For the purpose of this article I will use the most commonly used  definition by us (Christians)

That says marriage is a covenant between husband and wife made infront of God.

The word covenant simply means agreement or promise depending on its use. Lets look at the use of agreement, one can say every agreement gives rise to benefits and responsibilities.

Well this means that because of marriage being a covenant, there are responsibilities and benefits in marriage. My responsibilities towards my spouse becomes her benefits and her responsibilities towards me becomes my benefits. Benefits+ Responsibilities= Happy Marriage. Agree? Lets continue.

It is undeniable that marriage has benefits that can elevate each partner to better heights. It gives you the opportunity to see the world in your spouses eyes.

The will to serve your spouse in any way is key to the success of your marriage. If you do not commit to your responsibilities then your spouse has no benefits.
We all marry for different reasons right or wrong but there are inherent benefits that comes with marriage.

Benefits such as, companionship– a person that is willing to give you her time.
partnership- someone to stand by you and support you in all your pursuits.
Unconditional love- someone that loves you as you are.
Encouragement- someone to believe in your dreams and helping you to achieve your goals.

Im sure you get the picture now. You are allowed to think of your own benefits…
You see marriage does not guarantee that you will get these benefits, because it still requires individual commitment to bring these benefits to life. Aha moment right there.

I know you are probably thinking what’s the point of marriage if there are no gurantees.
At the beginning we said its an agreement made infront of God. This alone brings reverance and honor to marriage. So Marriage is a form of Worship to God. Every married person must have the intention to please God this is what propels them to commit to the given responsibilities.

A friend recently taught me that marriage is a ministry. This means we rely on the marriages that we see to teach us about the relevance and the importance of marriage. As much as the relationship goals between a couple are private but the expression of love must be public.
I hope this will encourage every married couple to assume the responsibility of using their marriage to minister to the unmarried.

I feel that there are less married couples out there doing this, we need married couples of any age and race to share their marriages with the public. Lets change that! Marriage is beautiful to see and experience let the world know.

Marriage in your eyes

As a married person it almost seems like you become a sales person for marriage. People tend to ask about your views on marriage to formulate their own opinion of marriage. This can be dangerous as our experiences are different depending on our expectations.

It is also foolish to derive expectations from other people’s experiences.  Now, marriage to me is fun, exciting, enjoyable but not all the time. Just like life it is important to take the good with the bad. The truth is, it takes work to make it work. The love you have for your spouse becomes the lubricant over the hard surfaces. Love is the only reason the work never really feels like work.

Efforts to make your spouse feel loved must be intentional. It must become your mission to do the small things that make your significant other happy.  There are two sides to Love,  the work we put behind love and the celebration of love. Without work even celebration is not fun. Work is the time needed,  communication and all the  resources needed.  The celebration is everything that comes with having a happy and satisfied spouse.  Romance… bliss  and fun times. This always helps to balance the benefits and responsibilities.

Marriage

As a newly married young person I created this blog to document marriage in the 21st century. This blog seeks to inspire conversations on the relevance and importance of marriage in the 21st century follow me as I document observations and thoughts and share my experiences on marriage.